grief

When Spirituality Feels at Odds With Your Humanness

Have you ever had a thought like this?

“If I were really a spiritual person then I would….” OR “If I had deeper faith then I wouldn’t…”

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You can have deep spiritual faith AND be deeply angry, sad or hurt. Your spirituality doesn’t have to be at odds with your humanness.

When my 3.5 year old golden doodle, Luna, lost her battle to kidney disease on March 6, 2019, I felt levels of sadness that I had never experienced before. I also felt anger and guilt. I felt cheated. I felt she was cheated. “She’s too young. This wasn’t fair.”

To some, she was just a dog, but for me, she was my first real responsibility as a caretaker since my husband and I got her when she was 8 weeks old. She was there through the very worst of times when my husband and I broke off our engagement and I moved out, all the way to the very happiest of times when we got married in July 2018. She was at the center of our relationship and she brought us endless amounts of pure joy. She was the life of the party and the best off-leash hiking buddy.

So seeing such a light literally die out, was deeply traumatizing. Taking care of her sickness day-in-and-day-out was deeply traumatizing. Witnessing her lose 20 pounds was traumatizing. Having moments of hope break your heart was deeply traumatizing.

There will be times when you are in a negative head space, but that doesn’t inherently mean you’re not spiritual or lack faith because you can’t bring a smile to your face.

This is a lesson I am investigating within myself and unpacking all the shoulding, sadness and guilt surrounding my human emotions and feelings which at times feel at odds with how I think a spiritual person would/should act. 

Shouldn’t I be more accepting? Non-attachment, right?

Shouldn’t I know that I’ll see her again someday? 

Shouldn’t I know she’s still with me in spirit and let that be enough? 

Or maybe for you it’s…

If I had more faith then I wouldn’t be so disappointed that I didn’t get that job.

If I were really a spiritual person then I wouldn’t be jealous.

If I were more spiritual then I wouldn’t be so angry about this diagnosis.

The short answer. Your feelings are just as valid as your faith. Notice them.

As I’m sitting here writing this at a coffee shop, a gentlemen lovingly takes care of his paraplegic son, and I can’t help but assume that at times he has had these kinds of thoughts. But the fact of the matter is, we ARE spiritual beings having a human experience.

As spiritual beings, we have the power to give ourselves grace in moments of humanness. This is essential to liberating ourselves.

Moksha. Moksha. Moksha. {freedom, liberation}

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Self Care Spotlight

Podcast Episode #79